Hija

I’m sorry I’m not the daughter
you hoped that I would be
I know so many daughters are
much easier than me

I know so many daughters
have good jobs by 23
and don’t have anxious nightmares
like the ones that haunt my dreams

I’m sorry you didn’t get
the life you wanted to create
I’m sorry that now to make another
it’s physically too late…

I wish I could trade places
with a daughter more for you
but despite all of our differences
I wouldn’t have traded you

I just wish you would sometimes
try to really love and see,
the things that are still good
those few strengths I have in me

I wish you’d try to let go
of my flaws you hate so much
compared to you, I know I’m spoiled
a heart too soft to touch

I know I’m not
the grownup girl
you would be proud
to know

But I’m not as bad
and not as awful
as you have tried to show

I know no daughter’s perfect
but I tried my best to be
a woman you’d be happy to
show off with pride and glee

I’m sorry I’m not
the big success
the money or the title

I’m not what you had dreamed
I’d be
though I haven’t once
stayed idle

I tried to make you proud
each day
while staying true
to me

I’m sorry that
that truth
isn’t what you wanted
it to be

I’m sorry for the dominance
of negativity
I’m sorry all the good things
I just couldn’t make you see

I’m sorry
for the disappointment
that makes you scream in pain

and I’m sorry to myself
for absorbing your critique
in vain

I wish I’d had
that safer job
like daughter x,
the accountant

Or my best friend,
a consultant
any paycheck
you can count on

I’m sorry
for my chaotic side
l’ésprit bohème
wild heart

I’m sorry you put
a life in this world
that now
tears you apart

I’m sorry I’m
25 years old
and not
you at that age

I’m sorry
my sensitivity
just fills your heart
with rage

I love you
for your good intentions
and all that
you have done

I think one day
we’ll be sorry
for the time
that is now gone

So if you ever doubt
please know that
I know that
you just meant well

But please also know:
never being enough
for you
was my personal hell

I lived my life
wanting to hear
you say
hija, I’m proud!

But at some point
when that doesn’t occur
criticism
becomes too loud

I’m sorry
I don’t have thicker skin
But I’m made of
your partner’s petals

Inheriting dew,
mist and drops
that with one word
shatter to shambles

I’m sorry I had
to walk away
to protect
my growing soul

I’m sorry that
in your heart
I left
a glaring hole

I’m sorry for having
to live my life
against what you
would think is right

I can no longer
be me
blooming in your
garden of hardness

But I am not sorry
that I know I will
always love you

regardless

Advertisements

Leave Until Tomorrow What Can Be Done Today

We all know the saying that postulates the exact opposite of this article’s title. “Do not leave until tomorrow what can be done today” or, in German, “was du heute kannst besorgen, das verschiebe nicht auf morgen”.

In general, I agree with this idea: It’s good to be productive, active and motivated – except for the fact that I, unfortunately and like many others, struggle with anxiety and insomnia. At any given point, I have much more going on than can be fit into a 24-hour day, which leaves me anxious with my head racing come bedtime. Since I haven’t finished everything I could have done, I try to cram in some things even though I’m already exhausted, which leaves me unproductive yet restless even when I finally do decide to hit the bed. A vicious cycle, this propels me into a state of panic where I often end up paralysed, so overwhelmed by all that hasn’t been done, that I’m less productive, permanently fatigued from lack of sleep, and just generally not in a balanced state. It is so hard for me to relax. I know this gets very little sympathy from the lucky people who have no problem shutting their brains of. But if you, like me, have heard comments along the lines of “but why don’t you just… sleep?!” or, “just listen to music or, like, think of something else,” or, “yeah… I can sleep any time (hehe)”, I sympathise with how frustrating it can be for people to belittle this very serious issue. Permanent sleep deprivation leads to a weakened immune system, anxiety can cause you to avoid responsibilities and isolate yourself socially, you look and feel tired, you’re irritable… the negative effects are unfortunately numerous and affect your entire state of being.

And therefore, you don’t need to justify your problem to anybody else.

If they don’t understand or belittle it – feel happy for them that they don’t have this issue. Otherwise we’d all be walking-asleep messes 🙂 But you don’t need to prove to anyone how you feel and what is good for your mental health. We are all different and your needs/issues are different from the next person’s. If you tend to be restless and anxious, that’s your battle – and in this one, I’m there with you!

So one thing I’ve distinctly noted is that this urgency to get everything under the sun done in a day is, at my age and with the diversified interests, activities and responsibilities that come with that, impossible. Especially as a student, it’s a vicious cycle. There is always something more you could read, an essay you could start, a paper you could revise, a test you could study for. Some jobs give you “on time” and “off time” that allow you to detach from work almost entirely, but other professions and studying don’t. In these situations, it’s all the more important to remind yourself that it is ok to relax even if a ton of things on your to-do list are still open.

Tomorrow will come, so you can do more tomorrow. If you haven’t heard back from an internship or professor, there’s nothing you can do (except send a kind follow-up, if a response is truly overdue). Let it go, do as much as you can when you can, but relax when you’ve reached your limit.

After hours of productivity, it’s ok to have unfinished business and the sun will rise tomorrow regardless.

This goes for social things too – I always feel bad if I don’t respond to people right away, but you have every right to turn off your computer or phone and take time for yourself. I hate canceling on things and have a really hard time telling people I just need to stay in and/or rest. But if you’ve reached your limit, you’re only hurting yourself ultimately. The only person responsible for your health at the end of the day is you. Especially as a young solo person – if you don’t take care of your health, no one else will. If you experience burnout, will those you over-committed to be there to nurse you back to health? Probably not. So take care of yourself – it’s your every right. You deserve to unwind.

Some tips from me: shutting off technology (phone and computer off and outside the bedroom. Not just on airplane mode, but OFF off. A text or email can wait a few hours.) Calming music, some tea, a book. Baldrian drops if you’re a nervous wreck beyond reasonable measure. Practice a form of “shabbat” where you go off the grid for 24 hours. Become aware of your surroundings.

Today I reached a point of exhaustion where I couldn’t muster up the energy to do what I should have done. It’s because I over-exerted myself the past few weeks. I am upset at myself for letting today’s responsibilities slip as a result, but it’s just a lesson in what happens when you neglect your mental health for too many days.

Now off to sip my Baldrian with tea and computer off, off, off. There’s messages I haven’t responded to and things I haven’t read. However, the person who needs me the most right now is me.

Relaxed vibes ❤

Sim

 

Cutting a Vice: Online Shopping

My dear friends and readers all around,

Online shopping has taken most of the world by storm, many of us barely shop “live” any more. Why waste time going to a store when you can have everything home-delivered at the click of a button? However, I have noticed for myself that it is so much easier to over-shop because you are eliminating the exact hurdle of regular shopping: trying things on in a tiny dressing room with bright lights and pulsating music (strobe lights and total darkness if you’re still into Abercrombie or Hollister), hauling heavy bags home. There are many benefits to online shopping, including the wide assortment of styles, special fits like petite, curve, maternity and – my personal favorite: The “tall” section at Asos, Topshop and Zalando, that allow me have a look other than permanent bermudas, freezing wrists and “maxi” dresses that are really more, well… ‘semi’. The world is becoming more digital, and that is convenient. However, despite all these benefits, online shopping detracts from a few key principles of healthy consumption and makes it so much easier for us to overspend. For instance:

  • When buying online, you can’t be 100% sure of the fit. Even if you know the brand and the size you wear in it, there’s always a chance this particular item won’t fit right, or you’ll get a dud. But you’re less picky since, once it’s already in your house, you want to try to make it work.
  • You can’t feel the fabric and for people who care about comfort, this isn’t good. Still, even if it doesn’t feel great, you are less likely to return it since it’s more of a hassle than just not buying something in the first place.
  • You eliminate the personal experience factor that attaches a certain memory to an item. For example, I love buying things when I go on a trip, as it always reminds me of the place. When online shopping, there’s no story to the item.
  • It’s easier to forget what you have. Similar to having a memory associated with a piece, when you shop online, you tend to lose track of what you already own. New styles are at the tip of your fingers so you’re less likely to rack your closet to see if you don’t already own a million pairs of non-show socks (because you definitely do, but the washer/your dog ate half of them) or a shrugged leopard-print faux fur bomber jacket (you never know).
  • You’re less creative. This is a big one: it may be paradoxical to think that the less you own, the more creative you are with your style, but out of necessity comes innovation. The more you feel like you can purchase at any time of day (and yes, I believe all of my online purchases have occurred at hours no store other than a 7/11 or a porn shop would be open, fashion items dubious in both of these locations), the less thought you put into creatively using and combining what you already have. I realised this when I noted I felt like I was always “missing” something, but truth be told, no matter how many more “must-have” items I bought, a short time later, I’d feel like something else was lacking. Ironically, I barely thought about what I already owned. Some of my best outfits, I soon noticed, happened when I was in a time crunch and had to put together a look without the chance to buy something new. Suddenly, there were so many cool things in my closet and so many different ways to combine these pieces – plus, if you’re truly uninspired with your outfit, a different hairdo or some bright lipstick will instantly change your look.
  • The Grandma Ideal: Once upon a time, people didn’t have the internet (if you were born in 1997, like my brother, or later, this will send you into a panic attack). Have you ever noticed how stylish people in older photos look? It’s because they had to so carefully curate what looked good on them and  know themselves so well that each piece in their closet, whether basic or elegant, looked fabulous on them. They also took care of each item with so much more TLC than we do in today’s fast-fashion world, since they knew they couldn’t replace them as easily. Thus, my grandmother cherished her style dearly and she had quite a lot of shoes and clothes after many years of buying key pieces, but not nearly as much as I already do now and, most importantly, no crap or stuff she bought on a whim.
  • Quality over quantity: The “French Closet” is a similar concept to this, as is Mari Kondo’s Japanese minimalist philosophy. The idea of really knowing ourselves and adding just a few key pieces each year to complement the growth of our personal style, in addition to truly loving everything we own, is quite huge. I started applying this rule already: If I look at some material thing in my life and don’t feel positive emotions towards it (either it’s worn and gross and/or it doesn’t suit me any longer, thus making me feel bad) it’s just taking up unnecessary space and energy. Imagine loving everything you own and feeling good in each piece. Invest more money in one or two amazing items than the same amount in ten ‘so la la’ pieces.
  • Basics: Everyone has theirs. Know them, have them, but once you do, you really only need to shop to replace them or add a few amazing standout pieces to their repertoire.
    To give you an idea, My personal basics are: nude and black shoes of each kind (sandals, flats, high boots, ankle boots, pumps and sneakers), black, white, grey and beige simple t-shirts and tank tops, black skinny jeans, denim shorts, a few black and denim mini skirts, some tops in red, yellow and green (I personally don’t wear cold colors like blue), a couple of summer dresses in lighter colors, some elegant dresses, a few different jackets, blazers and coats (different warmths for different seasons), a couple of leather jackets, faux-leather pants, tapered formal/work pants and monochrome sweaters and scarves in neutral colors. I have some workout clothes I usually just use to do nothing in – olé! 😀 My go-to accessories are rose and yellow gold rings, necklaces and small earrings as well as some larger hoops (2000s J. Lo forever), a black or grey beanie for winter and some banana clips and black hair-ties for my hair. I tried hairbands but they give me a headache.
    My statement items are: A denim jacket with rose embroidery on one sleeve, a few t-shirts with embroidery or slogans (a rose, “Bonjour Simone”, TLC’s album cover screen-printed), a pair of jeans with rose embroidery (I love flowers), a black faux-fur coat, a pair of grey heels with plastic pearls, some Indian earrings, Brazilian or Spanish (as in, bought the items in those countries) summer tops and dresses with unique prints, some extra-large and baggy bomber jackets with customised embroidery (for my Rihanna-inspired moments), a few boots with studs and belts for a rockier vibe and a couple of body suits and party tops that are either see-through, lacey, backless or somehow or other not something you’d wear to the office (unless you work in Brooklyn or Venice Beach). And that’s it!

In summary, I want to test the theory that style actually improves when we stop online shopping. I hypothesise to be more creative, daring, stylish and thoughtful in my day-to-day looks when I stop relying on buying new things online constantly. Will it work? I don’t know. But I’m going to give it a test, so I told two of my friends (who, very surprisingly for two 20-something girls from Europe, didn’t want to do this challenge with me :D), that I’d be off online shopping for, drumroll please…
A year.
Ok, not quite – until just a week before my birthday, so approximately October 20th of 2018. If I am dying to purchase something only-available online, just before my BDay, as a gift to myself, it seems like a fair date for a treat.
But still, it’s 11 months. To me, that’s a lot. If I crack, my friends get to pick a punishment. But I don’t think they will have to, as I’m actually really excited about this.

Of course this means I won’t be giving up shopping entirely (sorry, Mom), but I can only shop live, in stores, which happens very rarely (though it may increase). However, when I do go to a store, I only buy something if I absolutely LOVE the item in every way possible. I am much more discerning and the selection is much smaller at any given time, so I do believe I will save quite a bit of money this way. And this money can (and, if you know me, 100% will) be used for traveling, books and concerts.

I believe I will be more stylish, more creative, and that I will save more money. I know I will feel like I’m missing out at first, but I do believe I will get used to it. When I do buy something, it will feel more special. Plus, the tradeoffs of what I can spend money on, and the fulfilment of feeling more creative and stylish on the daily, seem really worthwhile. 

Here’s to the pact of real-life style! I will be reporting back to you in 11 months time. If you want to do it with me, even if just out of curiosity or for a short time span, I warmly invite you to do so so we can share our experiences!

Offline stylish vibes and love,

Simone

Once

Once upon a time I knew love
in a way
that made all the love songs
feel like made for today

It was morning and I loved
you at midday, I loved
in the evening, my love
the night soared
with our love

Your light woke me
above the dark corners
and all I could breathe in
was love
coffee burnt on the stove

but I needed no drink
when love kept me awake
as if nothing could take
what we had
and would make

If more love we would make
I’d die there

In the bed
of our heaviest air
and my hair
in your eyes
blind from love
deaf from cries

it all dies
when you hold back the heart
in the moment
where the heart
is the only
who knows what is growing –

But we gave it no chance.

So you talked of old loves
and I asked you to say
what you hadn’t quite processed
from your past till today

Like a friend I was there
crouched on your front stairs,
hearing loves of your past
come to present to last

in my bra there I waited
while the last girls you dated
you described bright and bold
as my chest turned to cold

I was wearing your boxers
since our last night of passion,
Felt more beautiful nude
than in all the best fashion

But to me, you said “stop”,
that you “cannot commit”
that “the timing’s not right”
but “please stay there and sit

as I talk of my past
and get all my baggage out,
you’re so good at holding tears
I’d need you in a drought”

Without a doubt

I’m the camel
and your love is the desert
and every grain of hot sand
burns my soul to a level

of hollow
of loss
of the love
that we tossed

it’s been years since the man
the only one I ever loved
and the few girls you loved
well, I’m sure they’re real dolls

but I would’ve loved you, baby
like a love goddess boss
not a doll, not a barbie…
I tell myself its your loss

as your excuses burn holes
as I wash the last bowl
of our after-love morning
with our love now in mourning

Speak to me like a lover
but a therapist you see
so that is what I am –
it’s what you need me to be

so tomorrow when I wake
I’ll learn from this mistake
and alone with my tea
love you less than I do me

Though I’m still there for you,
as my heart remains steady
I want to love once again,
I know that I’m ready

I had one love one time
and you loved a few, too
but if we can’t love together
what is “me and you”?

Just a moment, a thrill
A cute story to tell
Maybe we will be friends
as the love story ends

Every time it rains
you’ll think of me, you said
but what if the rain
washes me from your head?

like a thousand silent drops
You don’t hear me at all
but with every word you say
back to my own world I crawl

Because it’s not about us
when you just talk of them
and I listen, not your woman
but more your good friend

So your friend I could be
though I wish you’d loved me
but I’m glad I gave you comfort,
my love’s tender and free

As I say goodbye
and we part our ways
just know you were the sun
of my November days

This grey month you were born
the same my heart was torn
but you know they say the sprains
are just growing pains

So I plant some new seeds
to replace the one for you
that just a month ago
had started to bloom

now that tiny flower
fearing new love’s powers
in old heartaches’ waters
got drowned in your showers

but

I’ll find a new garden
Who knows, maybe soon
Though I still dream of you
and the love I once knew

Orbit

At night I dream of you,
in the day you dream of me
it was our biggest curse
that sun and moon, they never meet

You’re in your own world
and my name is made of stars
miles away another language
feels like verbalising scars

Your words are written right to left
and mine from left to right,
if we can’t move in the same direction
how could we not lose sight?

Your desert is my mountain
and your halva is my milk,
my wool scratches the surface
of your soul hidden in silk

You fought for your country
long after I left mine,
we are both soldiers of love
losing battles of our time

Now you’re leaving and I’m staying
but both were never really here,
we just made love mentally
to redefine what’s far and near

So at night I dream of you,
in the day you dream of me
it was our biggest curse
that sun and moon, they never meet.

Summer Grunge

Hello loves!

For those of us in the Northern Hemisphere, summer is just around the corner. For many, that means florals, bright colors and funky prints. But what if you’re more of the grungy, all-black kinda chick or dude? Fear not – this season’s for you too.

Take your favorite grungy outfit (like this simple black playsuit) and add a touch of bohemian bling to it with one standout piece that rules any look. Here I’m wearing a stunning raw Amethyst necklace designed by my dear friend Karly from Southern California, who followed her dreams of becoming a jewelry designer. It’s tough being a small business nowadays, but those unique initiatives are the kind I love supporting in a world of fast fashion. Don’t get me wrong – fast fashion has many benefits for many of us (price-friendly, trendy, accessible), so if you can mix some of your favorite mainstream brands with the most unique designs by small businesses, you’ve got it all covered. Find more of Karly’s beautiful jewelry at K Bird Design for a touch of California any time, any place, any grunge.

Playsuit – Forever 21, Nameplate – Custom made in Brooklyn, Amethyst Necklace – K Bird Design, Flats – Zara.

Photos by my partner in crime 😉

fullsizeoutput_1df0Version 2Version 2fullsizeoutput_1e08fullsizeoutput_1e09fullsizeoutput_1e0bfullsizeoutput_1e15fullsizeoutput_1d93fullsizeoutput_1e1afullsizeoutput_1da2fullsizeoutput_1e1ffullsizeoutput_1dacfullsizeoutput_1db1fullsizeoutput_1e30fullsizeoutput_1e32fullsizeoutput_1dbffullsizeoutput_1dc2fullsizeoutput_1dc7fullsizeoutput_1dcdfullsizeoutput_1dd9fullsizeoutput_1de9

European Bosslady featuring the Dutch brand ‘Maei’

Dear Bossladies and Gentlemen,

While I adore the American bomber-jacket and cool slogan style that expresses modern day badasses, the Eurochic version of the look is just as dear to me. Wepa!

The handpainted wooden bracelet and hoop earrings are from the lovely artisanal Dutch brand Maei – find all their pieces here!

The unexpected artisanal pieces bring a touch of boho to this otherwise very sophisticated ‘working girl’ look. Try bringing a bit of contrast to your look to remind you of fun, freedom and color even on your most intense workaholic days 🙂

Pants and Bodysuit: Asos Tall Shoes: Senso Cape: Zara Bag: Furla Wooden Jewelry: Maei Gold Jewelry: Family and travel heirlooms

Photos by Vee ❤

Love always,

Sim

fullsizeoutput_1cdbfullsizeoutput_1cddfullsizeoutput_1ce1fullsizeoutput_1ce3fullsizeoutput_1ce9fullsizeoutput_1cebfullsizeoutput_1cf3fullsizeoutput_1d03fullsizeoutput_1d1bfullsizeoutput_1d1cfullsizeoutput_1d1efullsizeoutput_1c44fullsizeoutput_1d11fullsizeoutput_1c46fullsizeoutput_1d24fullsizeoutput_1d27fullsizeoutput_1c3c