Protected: Loving, Staying, Leaving

We all know the saying that postulates the exact opposite of this article’s title. “Do not leave until tomorrow what can be done today” or, in German, “was du heute kannst besorgen, das verschiebe nicht auf morgen”.
In general, I agree with this idea: It’s good to be productive, active and motivated – except for the fact that I, unfortunately and like many others, struggle with anxiety and insomnia. At any given point, I have much more going on than can be fit into a 24-hour day, which leaves me anxious with my head racing come bedtime. Since I haven’t finished everything I could have done, I try to cram in some things even though I’m already exhausted, which leaves me unproductive yet restless even when I finally do decide to hit the bed. A vicious cycle, this propels me into a state of panic where I often end up paralysed, so overwhelmed by all that hasn’t been done, that I’m less productive, permanently fatigued from lack of sleep, and just generally not in a balanced state. It is so hard for me to relax. I know this gets very little sympathy from the lucky people who have no problem shutting their brains of. But if you, like me, have heard comments along the lines of “but why don’t you just… sleep?!” or, “just listen to music or, like, think of something else,” or, “yeah… I can sleep any time (hehe)”, I sympathise with how frustrating it can be for people to belittle this very serious issue. Permanent sleep deprivation leads to a weakened immune system, anxiety can cause you to avoid responsibilities and isolate yourself socially, you look and feel tired, you’re irritable… the negative effects are unfortunately numerous and affect your entire state of being.
And therefore, you don’t need to justify your problem to anybody else.
If they don’t understand or belittle it – feel happy for them that they don’t have this issue. Otherwise we’d all be walking-asleep messes 🙂 But you don’t need to prove to anyone how you feel and what is good for your mental health. We are all different and your needs/issues are different from the next person’s. If you tend to be restless and anxious, that’s your battle – and in this one, I’m there with you!
So one thing I’ve distinctly noted is that this urgency to get everything under the sun done in a day is, at my age and with the diversified interests, activities and responsibilities that come with that, impossible. Especially as a student, it’s a vicious cycle. There is always something more you could read, an essay you could start, a paper you could revise, a test you could study for. Some jobs give you “on time” and “off time” that allow you to detach from work almost entirely, but other professions and studying don’t. In these situations, it’s all the more important to remind yourself that it is ok to relax even if a ton of things on your to-do list are still open.
Tomorrow will come, so you can do more tomorrow. If you haven’t heard back from an internship or professor, there’s nothing you can do (except send a kind follow-up, if a response is truly overdue). Let it go, do as much as you can when you can, but relax when you’ve reached your limit.
After hours of productivity, it’s ok to have unfinished business and the sun will rise tomorrow regardless.
This goes for social things too – I always feel bad if I don’t respond to people right away, but you have every right to turn off your computer or phone and take time for yourself. I hate canceling on things and have a really hard time telling people I just need to stay in and/or rest. But if you’ve reached your limit, you’re only hurting yourself ultimately. The only person responsible for your health at the end of the day is you. Especially as a young solo person – if you don’t take care of your health, no one else will. If you experience burnout, will those you over-committed to be there to nurse you back to health? Probably not. So take care of yourself – it’s your every right. You deserve to unwind.
Some tips from me: shutting off technology (phone and computer off and outside the bedroom. Not just on airplane mode, but OFF off. A text or email can wait a few hours.) Calming music, some tea, a book. Baldrian drops if you’re a nervous wreck beyond reasonable measure. Practice a form of “shabbat” where you go off the grid for 24 hours. Become aware of your surroundings.
Today I reached a point of exhaustion where I couldn’t muster up the energy to do what I should have done. It’s because I over-exerted myself the past few weeks. I am upset at myself for letting today’s responsibilities slip as a result, but it’s just a lesson in what happens when you neglect your mental health for too many days.
Now off to sip my Baldrian with tea and computer off, off, off. There’s messages I haven’t responded to and things I haven’t read. However, the person who needs me the most right now is me.
Relaxed vibes ❤
Sim
My dear friends and readers all around,
Online shopping has taken most of the world by storm, many of us barely shop “live” any more. Why waste time going to a store when you can have everything home-delivered at the click of a button? However, I have noticed for myself that it is so much easier to over-shop because you are eliminating the exact hurdle of regular shopping: trying things on in a tiny dressing room with bright lights and pulsating music (strobe lights and total darkness if you’re still into Abercrombie or Hollister), hauling heavy bags home. There are many benefits to online shopping, including the wide assortment of styles, special fits like petite, curve, maternity and – my personal favorite: The “tall” section at Asos, Topshop and Zalando, that allow me have a look other than permanent bermudas, freezing wrists and “maxi” dresses that are really more, well… ‘semi’. The world is becoming more digital, and that is convenient. However, despite all these benefits, online shopping detracts from a few key principles of healthy consumption and makes it so much easier for us to overspend. For instance:
In summary, I want to test the theory that style actually improves when we stop online shopping. I hypothesise to be more creative, daring, stylish and thoughtful in my day-to-day looks when I stop relying on buying new things online constantly. Will it work? I don’t know. But I’m going to give it a test, so I told two of my friends (who, very surprisingly for two 20-something girls from Europe, didn’t want to do this challenge with me :D), that I’d be off online shopping for, drumroll please…
A year.
Ok, not quite – until just a week before my birthday, so approximately October 20th of 2018. If I am dying to purchase something only-available online, just before my BDay, as a gift to myself, it seems like a fair date for a treat.
But still, it’s 11 months. To me, that’s a lot. If I crack, my friends get to pick a punishment. But I don’t think they will have to, as I’m actually really excited about this.
Of course this means I won’t be giving up shopping entirely (sorry, Mom), but I can only shop live, in stores, which happens very rarely (though it may increase). However, when I do go to a store, I only buy something if I absolutely LOVE the item in every way possible. I am much more discerning and the selection is much smaller at any given time, so I do believe I will save quite a bit of money this way. And this money can (and, if you know me, 100% will) be used for traveling, books and concerts.
I believe I will be more stylish, more creative, and that I will save more money. I know I will feel like I’m missing out at first, but I do believe I will get used to it. When I do buy something, it will feel more special. Plus, the tradeoffs of what I can spend money on, and the fulfilment of feeling more creative and stylish on the daily, seem really worthwhile.
Here’s to the pact of real-life style! I will be reporting back to you in 11 months time. If you want to do it with me, even if just out of curiosity or for a short time span, I warmly invite you to do so so we can share our experiences!
Offline stylish vibes and love,
Simone
Once upon a time I knew love
in a way
that made all the love songs
feel like made for today
It was morning and I loved
you at midday, I loved
in the evening, my love
the night soared
with our love
Your light woke me
above the dark corners
and all I could breathe in
was love
coffee burnt on the stove
but I needed no drink
when love kept me awake
as if nothing could take
what we had
and would make
If more love we would make
I’d die there
In the bed
of our heaviest air
and my hair
in your eyes
blind from love
deaf from cries
it all dies
when you hold back the heart
in the moment
where the heart
is the only
who knows what is growing –
But we gave it no chance.
So you talked of old loves
and I asked you to say
what you hadn’t quite processed
from your past till today
Like a friend I was there
crouched on your front stairs,
hearing loves of your past
come to present to last
on your steps there I waited
while the last girls you dated
you described bright and bold
as my chest turned to cold
To me, you said “stop”,
that you “cannot commit”
that “the timing’s not right”
but “please stay there and sit
as I talk of my past
and get all my baggage out,
you’re so good at holding tears
I’d need you in a drought”
Without a doubt
I’m the camel
and your love is the desert
and every grain of hot sand
burns my soul to a level
of hollow
of loss
of the love
that we tossed
it’s been years since the man
the only one I ever loved
and the few girls you loved
well, I’m sure they’re real dolls
but I would’ve loved you, baby
like a love goddess boss
not a doll, not a barbie…
I tell myself its your loss
as your excuses burn holes
as I wash the last bowl
of our after-love morning
with our love now in mourning
Speak to me like a lover
but a therapist you see
so that is what I am –
it’s what you need me to be
so tomorrow when I wake
I’ll learn from this mistake
and alone with my tea
love you less than I do me
Though I’m still there for you,
as my heart remains steady
I want to love once again,
I know that I’m ready
I had one love one time
and you loved a few, too
but if we can’t love together
what is “me and you”?
Just a moment, a thrill
A cute story to tell
Maybe we will be friends
as the love story ends
Every time it rains
you’ll think of me, you said
but what if the rain
washes me from your head?
like a thousand silent drops
You don’t hear me at all
but with every word you say
back to my own world I crawl
Because it’s not about us
when you just talk of them
and I listen, not your woman
but more your good friend
So your friend I could be
though I wish you’d loved me
but I’m glad I gave you comfort,
my love’s tender and free
As I say goodbye
and we part our ways
just know you were the sun
of my November days
This grey month you were born
the same my heart was torn
but you know they say the sprains
are just growing pains
So I plant some new seeds
to replace the one for you
that just a month ago
had started to bloom
now that tiny flower
fearing new love’s powers
in old heartaches’ waters
got drowned in your showers
but
I’ll find a new garden
Who knows, maybe soon
Though I still dream of you
and the love I once knew
At night I dream of you,
in the day you dream of me
it was our biggest curse
that sun and moon never meet
You’re in your own world
and my name is made of stars
miles away another language
feels like verbalising scars
Your words are written right to left
and mine from left to right,
if we can’t move in the same direction
how could we not lose sight?
Your desert is my mountain
and your halva is my milk,
my wool scratches the surface
of your soul hidden in silk
You fought for your country
long after I left mine,
we are both soldiers of love
losing battles of our time
Now you’re leaving and I’m staying
both were never really here,
we just made love mentally
to redefine what’s far and near
So at night I dream of you,
in the day you dream of me
it was our biggest curse
that sun and moon, they never meet.